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An image made of light

I see clouds not so white

a mixture of yellow, blue and grey

some rays battle and go astray

i sit with my hands holding my head

i cant bear the sounds of silence, oh so dead..

an aching heart, a dormant mind

an endless fight that's not so kind

both bearing daggers and knives

a fight ending in death of beleifs and lives

they lie there looking so waif and dead

and even in Death, they again were wed...

HadeS

mumbo not so jumbo

im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

i have 1) a splitting headache, 2) an enormous urge to kill my boss, 3) an itch in my throat and signs of the flu :eek: (that wud be the gazillionth in 6 months!)

i dowanna cook anymore, or do the laundry, or think of work, or even have to work! i just wanna live in peace.. do nothing, just lay there, no movement, or sound, or light.. everything is made and everything in place. i just wanna become a parasite! try to be a mooch for a change.. been holding responsibilities since i was 21.. 6 long years.. all alone. im tired, sore, exhausted, & sleep deprived..

salty water..

Tears are words from the heart that cannot be spoken.

-Anonymous

Qwaider's post about crying and all the comments on how crying is so liberating and such a big relief made me feel a bit alienated.. i donno how but it felt wierd not to be able to relate..

i havent cried in, oh, 6 months.. and before that, 3 years... i dont get the urge to cry anymore, altho sometimes i feel i SO need it to relax my weery little head.. but having been a person who cried so much in her younger years, i find it now a waste of my time.. it wont solve anything now wud it? it will only cause a headache and a stuffy nose..

then why the hell do i miss it!

the insomniac's musings

last nite i had a full 5 hour sleep.. finally! its been a while..

funny (not funny ha ha) thing is that in all them sleepless nites, most my thoughts revolve around 2 major things that i somehow supress during my waking hours only to come back and haunt me at nite.. God/religion and how we have drifted from em so much as a community/society and how personally im away lately.. and the future.. all my life i thought i will die young.. donno why but its just my belief/gut feeling.. not to mention any palm reader i came across (with or without the intention of coming across em) freaks out at how short my life line is.. prolly why i dont plan much.. i take every day as it comes, and usually have no regrets.. except for one .. (but thats not bloggable material! too personal to share)..

i fear aging. not coz im a woman and the majority of women fear aging and looking not quite like they used to... but i fear losing this youth inside me. i fear menopause believe it or not! i fear having children and not being able to affect them in any way.. i fear a failed marriage.. i fear becoming one of those middle aged house wives with not much to look forward to but an end to her depression... i even fear not having a source of income and living on the streets! know its all in my head and my destiny is mine to shape, i do believe in fate dont get me wrong, but i think some things r ours to control.. sometimes i think i wanna know what tomorrow holds, but i believe that wud take out all the fun from living!

(mental note: resort to sheep counting often, it worked last nite!)

moody friends..

inspired by Asoom's experience here with an ex-friend.. i SO relate to that, and i dint wanna hijack her post :D

i rarely have female friends, simply coz i was not programmed to be like most of them, in my mind, im 100% male. im practical, i dont envy other ppl, i hold no grudges, i dont care bout makeup and clothes like they r the reason for my existance, and i dont ditch ppl coz im having a bad mood! u can call me a tomboy, but ppl who know me personally know i am so far from that.. il muhemm... so i met this girl, and we have mutual friends, some who say she is very nice, but i was always very aware of everything i say around her, and was very careful what i reveal, the case with most ppl but i was consciously aware and pushed myself to watch out for every word with her..

days went by and i gave her a chance, and we became close friends in no time, she was funny, outgoing, and talkative. But she was moody, like, VERY moody! one day she wud be all talkative and sweet, and the next she wudnt return my calls and want nothing to do with me :smily mafsoom with 7 personalities: and after a while i got sick of it! and when she dint call again, i dint either, and was actually nonchalant and happy she was out of my life, with all her negativities that overrid her positive side with time.

neither i nor anyone deserves to be treated like that, the flavor-of-the-week style! whenever their mood is good they r good with u and when its not then to hell with u! that is not the definition of friendship..

i guess thats why i feel more at ease with guys, they're so.. simple! what u see is what u get.. almost EVERY time! plus a guy wont envy u, or get these silly thoughts and cause drama every once in a while.. they r always up for a gr8 time and a good laff.. girly girls wont go out unless u 'book' them in advance so that they wud look good for the outing! with most guys, its "shall we?", "hell yeah!" and i find that refreshing!

الحجاب الحاجز

WARNING: these thoughts might offend some of u...

regretfully, i am not vieled.. and even tho i know its very wrong, i still cant commit.. yet, everyday i come across tens if not hundreds of 'vieled' girls/women, and by 'vieled' i am referring to the 'modern' 7ijabis who wear second-skin-tees-under-a-tight-camisole-barely-covering-their-bums-in-that-tight-jeans or short-skirts-with-knee-high-boots and consider themselves fully covered..and i cant deny the amount of wrath the scene provokes in me.. i am not preaching, since i am not vieled, but there is a minimum level of 7eshmeh (modesty) that is embedded in everyone, and wearing clothes that leave nothing to imagination is just not right, vieled or not.

it just saddens me so much what little respect some have towards their body and its sanctity..