Sunday, February 17, 2008

Q..

no not Qwaider :P

but a question, for both genders, how far wud u go supporting ur man financially when ur both still starting up ur life?

and how much wud u accept ur wife to help out with?

43 comments:

Adoosh said...

Did I just hear you got engaged Dima?!
Mabroooooooooooooooook Mabrooooooooook Mabrooooooooook :D

Where's my piece of the cake?

Back to the Q:
mmm... really dunno, still haven't been there! but I guess when there's love there's little math involved, there'll be only "we" and "our" not I paid, you paid etc.

Hani Obaid said...

Some of my friends insist a woman's salary is her own, and that no part of it should be spent on the house or kids.

I think that all family income is for the family, and that once you got married, you gave up your privacy, and independance willingly. This applies to both men and women.

deemco said...

Did u get engaged?? MABROOOOK damdoom!! I'm really happy for u :)
As for the question, it's the man's obligation to take care of the family (you) and u are not obliged to in any way even if u have an income. BUT, if you want to chip in or share the expenses with him that's totally fine. If you're both young and just starting up and building urselves financially then there's nothing wrong with it since the 2 of you are now a team and u're both contributing to the same building (metaphorically). If he's in need then I personally don't see a problem. In the end, it's up to you.

Tamara said...

Well first Mabrook ! wow that is great news : )I'm so happy for you

As for the Q on hand, after marriage you two are one entity and thus there should not math involved. but there should be appreciation from both sides

kinzi said...

Hey, I want a proper engagement announcement with the FULL fun and romantic story!!

My hubby and I started from scratch and pooled everything as 'ours'. Working together to build your future is a great way to dream-build, affirm each other, and value mutual contribution. We aren't Arab, I don't know if that matters, but it sure works for us. Now, we look back on what we have accomplished and relish the partnership we have financially, too.

Batoul A. said...

I disagree with the Eastern way of thinking, ino a lady uses her money for makeup and clothes crap. A lady should do more than that stupidity, 21 century here lol. Sometimes there could be exceptions like 9/11 and my husband loses a job because of it and now I have to support the house until someone accept his resume but I will not tolerate it for inability to take responsibility. In normal events, I would work and share aswell. Just to "better" life.

asoom said...

just got engaged? I thought you've been engaged!

Anyway, if we're "starting out" I don't have a problem helping out at all. The most important thing is that 2 people decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together and the rest gets worked out. However, I can't imagine being with someone who isn't stable in secure in what they're doing so really I can only see myself in that situation if I'm with someone whose like still studying or is in the process of investing in something but not someone who just can't hold a job down.

That's my take!

Jundi said...

if shes payin 30% of the bills and im payin 70% i have no problem whatsoever .. when its the other way around then we have a problem ..

and mabrook :-)

Qwaider قويدر said...

You know... there is no rule! Whatever suits you ... you should do
As long as you two agree on it and manage to live with it

Mabrook el khotbeh :)

Maher said...

hmmmm for me..i am marrying a girl that has a rich daddy!

PS : mabroook :)

Simply ME said...

it depends on the couple's decision. Sometimes and especially at the beginning he might be supporting you a 100% which makes it almost impossible for you not to support him with anything later on when you're standing on your own feet. Im still not working and still studying, so my hubby is supporting me a 100%, I can't imagine myself in a year or two working and acting as if Im an independent individual.. it just doesn't make sense and i wouldn't let it happen. I think it's just a matter of give and take, even between partners.. the most important thing is even if you're supporting him with a 0.1%, he should show some appreciation.. know what i mean?

Marvin the Martian said...

Congratulations on your engagement, if I did not congratulate you before. ;-)

My wife, being decades older than I, had her own money and house when I met her. Financially, I married "up." But my earnings now allow her to retire and do what she pleases. She uses her money for home improvements, while I pay all the other bills. Call it 80%/20%, with me being the 80%. It bothers me that I cannot pay 100% yet, but I am not going to tell her what she can and cannot do with her money. She always spends it wisely and frugally, so I cannot complain.

But to start out, each should contribute whatever they can, with the majority share of the burden borne by the man. I know of too many men who refuse to work, and who make their wife work to support them both. I think that is shameful behavior on the part of the man. But if both work, and the woman makes more money, that's fine, as long as the man is not mooching off the woman for his own gain.

Hala said...

You got engaged? Alf mabrook! :) I am really happy for you *hug*

As for your question, my answer depends on more than one factor. Some men are okay with it, others are not. Men who are okay with it are divided into categories; some will take more and some will take less. However, I do believe that the man should be taking care of the financials for the most part.

As for me personally, I would love to help my future partner if he needed my help. We are in it together and so we are one. I think I would feel disappointed if he tells me he cannot accept money from me because it makes me seem like a stranger. The most important thing to remember is to not be taken advantage of, but if you picked the right one then it is not a problem ;)

Tiger said...

awalan mabrook(ma3 enoo ana mesh met2aked eza met2a'7ereh kteer wela la2)

well its a we concept as adoosh said...not because me as a male I need the money of my wife or she has to pay me or somethg..no actually there is phsycological concept here when u are not in the game u r out of the game ...meaning marriage is an establishment if u dont feel ur productive controbution as a vital part in it u wont care too much to maintain it as simple as that...but nevertheless as an oriental gentleman I have a duty to enhance my income as much as I can so that I would give my wife an option either to contribute or to enjoy spending her own money!!!

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

adoosh: u know inno me2riyeh fate7ti wlaak! 5u6beh rasmi inshala by year's end. fa u get ur cake then :P (3u2balak with ur D :D)

i agree with u, but to what extent? 50/50?

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

hani: i believe a woman's salary is her fully unless SHE choses to share the responsibility, i mean its not a rule that she wud, its a choice..

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

Dima: allah ybarek feeki bannout, its been around 6 months now lol in2arat fate7ti really but the real engagement inshala by year's end.

yes i believe in that, a woman can chip in if she wants to but there is no obligation..

bless!

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

tamara: thanks bannouteh :hug:

yes as one they pay together but how much is a wife's share of it? i mean wud u be willing to go 50/50 on everything?

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

kinzi: lol girl when the proper engagement 'ceremony' happens i will blog about it til forever!

ur not arab? thought u were.. and no it doesnt make a difference to me at least.. marriage is marriage arab or non arab :)

i believe yes if ur starting together it gives the relationship a whole new meaning, patience, working together, bonding over burdens.. i think its amazing. God bless!

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

batoul: i fully agree! mwah!

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

asma: i have been for 6 months now lol donno why everyone is surprised i keep saying my better half, my fiancé, my ba6ee5 mbasmer lol will make an official announcement when the official deal is done tho :D

yes it is not an obligation i believe, and no not coz he cant hold a job down, but only coz ur starting ur life together, is that so bad? i mean in a life like today, everything is really getting expensive by the day, a guy wont be able to provide fully until he is what 30-34? tayeb what if he byetdahwal and falls in love before that and wants to get married.. no?

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

jundi: yes i agree, 70 on her is too much, 7atta 50 is extreme, 30 40 is just fine bi nazari.

and thanks, 3u2balak :)

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

Qwaider: so u wud accept it? coz fi shabab ma byerdo, inno 3ezzet nafs, ma3 inno i dont believe much in 3ezzet nafs when ppl r in love..

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

Maher: lol arya7 :D sugar daddy-in-law ;)

thanks!

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

dima: i know exactly what u mean, and i agree, there is no selfishness in these matters. allah ye7meekum :hug:

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

marv: thanks :D

and stories like urs inspire me, its pure love! so many guys dont accept the idea of a woman being older, yet when love strikes, u dont care bout numbers.. age OR wealth. bless!

im sure it bothers any man if they're not going the full 100%, but it shudnt be a bigger bother if their wives pitch in.. they shudnt feel very confortable with it lol and end up moochers, but accept it if she wishes to help out..

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

hala: thanks bannouteh :hug: 3u2balek ;)

"I think I would feel disappointed if he tells me he cannot accept money from me because it makes me seem like a stranger" EXACTLY!!!! i wud feel the same way if this scenario happened! inno we r one..

bless!

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

nimer: howweh m2a5ar bas ana ma a3lanet aslan la a3tab :D lol thanks, 3u2balak

howeh a guy will not be giving options heik la7alo, they will have to decide together, its a marriage, a union..

Oudi said...

Although traditionally women expect men to take care of the family financing business, it is becoming a trend to find men approving if not even seeking or demanding women’s support in going to school or raising the family.

I believe that a woman has a genuine right to expect support from the man, and not the other way around. This is certainly true if the two are planning a family. Since the woman is expected to give birth, and that alone is a major and difficult task.

Saying that does not mean that women should stay home to take care of the children. The necessity of life these days may require both to work. However, if one has to stay home on a part-time or full-time basis, it should be the one who earns less.

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

oudi: in our day and age, women live on their own and women work and have indipendant lives and responsibilities even, and now that we have acheived that equality with men in terms of paying our own expenses in life, we know how hard and expensive it is to start a family and pay for two rather than one.. so why wud we expect a guy to be paying everything especially at the very beginning of a marriage.. when they're still starting up a household..

however, i agree with ur last paragraph

Adoosh said...

I know? O_o Sheklo my memory 3m todrob lol..

As I already said, math is neglectable, but to formalize it I'd say 70-30 with me being the 70, and that's not a must again..

Vendetta said...

It is accepted from both a social and religious veiw point that a woman's income is her own and that it's the man's responsibility to provide for the family, but all these are just old ideas that have no reasonable explanation. If the woman has a good income then why NOT help?? Marriage is a partnership and both partners should do all they can to help each other out. It is not a woman's role to cook and clean while the man's role is to pay the bills. Maybe it used to be that way, but it no longer is!

Oudi said...

Some women support the idea of being the bread winner, because it signifies their new and long-sought status in the society as equal partners to men. However, a woman should be wary of a man who is expecting her to pick up the bill right from the start.

Tiger said...

pali:
when u give someone an option then u r indirectly letting him decide what he likes to do..same as an unspoken discussion right?

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

pru: religion is timeless pru.. religion says IF she wants to help out its her choice, but initially the man cannot ask/demand her to help or take over her earned money/wealth. she has full control. and thats only fair i reckon..

personally i think its VERY ok to pitch in, mitil ma elt la mo, up to 40% is very reasonable IMHO..

love the pic btw, bas ktir il daw awi 8| in7awalet lol

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

oudi: yes she shud..

nimer: ahh i thought inno altimatum type, here r ur options qarreri w dabri rasek lol

Vendetta said...

lol salamet 3yonik; il daw mish awi bas ana tried to practice my non existent art skills on the poor picture and ruined it..not only that, i accidentally saved the ruined copy so..5afafet el saturation shway, hope it is better and easier on your eyes :)

YOu know Dima i have a problem with religion, especially when it comes to women! I know it is supposed to be timeless..unfortunately it's not! In my opinion it is very 7th century doctrine that it is hard for me to see how anyone can regard it otherwise. I don't expect you to agree with me of course and i respect your beliefs but it is wise to think outside the box. perhaps breaking the social mold altogether is a bad idea, but bending and adapthing it to our new life style is not.

kinzi said...

Dima, bastanaaki: kuul il 'ussa!

I'm WAY honored you thought I was an Arab. :) Just an overgrown, middle-aged California girl living in the Arab world!

Just so you know, too, I am a stay-at-home mom who free-lances. My hubby is our primary wage-earner, but he still includes me in all decision-making even if I only contribute a little bit. :) He feels like the time I invest in the kids and our home is equal to his salary. U'baalik!

TOUCHE' said...

This is really interesting, knowing the female perspectives on the topic mentioned.

I’ve always wondered how the mentality has been affected during this crazy financial life with all the materialistic perspectives.

Many guys finds hard to allow their spouse to share the burden based on their brought up mentality that the guy is solely responsible to be THE bread earner.

Others find it totally legitimate to allow her for her share of the burden as it is getting more difficult than the old days.

Most guys and girls are stuck with the idea that if they start sharing then it is more like a partnership than a marriage which is supposed to be founded on a male’s shoulder.

There is no "my money", "your money" or funds transfer. It's ours and such details aren't supposed to be negotiated, planned and written down. I believe they are mutually agreed with no spoken words.

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

pru: i know u do.. shufi ana ba2amen bil ijtihad, but u have to know ur religion really well before doing that customizing part, just to make sure ur doing the right thing. i respect ur POV as well :)

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

kinzi: thanks sweets! w inshala i will have the full report for u soon ;)

PŕōuđPāŀĩ said...

touché: so what did u deduce after being enlightened with the female's take on the subject?

i think its perfectly fine as long as they both agree to it. the idea of expecting it to happen is what bothers me personally. its not a must.

TOUCHE' said...

Well, it is controversial, our social beliefs pulls the strings of our thoughts and lead us towards much predicted outcomes.

It’s nice to see that the majority of women are fine with the idea as long as they are not being forced or financially abused.

But waiting for an appreciation for sharing the burden is something beyond my comprehension, I mean what’s expected to be an appropriate appreciation? I hope this doesn’t end up as a constant reminder that the woman has had her share of help and thus making the man feeling less of a man (if that’s the right phrase).

I don’t know why, but I couldn’t help but to sense that some women feel reluctant to engage with a man who is approving her helping him.

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